Covenant – Conflict and Generosity

A Guest Post by Connie Goodbread, Acting Director

I will never be the same. These past two years and quite frankly, the four years before that, changed me. It seems to me that the whole world has been changed. We are seeing changes in our congregations. Worship has changed. Ministry has changed. The way we use our buildings has changed.

Some of the change that we have experienced is good – things that should have changed a long time ago. We witness atrocities and injustice on a daily basis. Some of these are atrocities that were going on and some of us were unaware. Many are almost casual cruelty that people are willing to inflict on one another.

Some of the change is a desperate attempt to move evolution backwards. The fear of losing control, of not being top dog, has some of us plotting ways to regain control and dominate others. The draconian laws passed in an attempt to control and have power over women, people of color, LGBTQ people, what can and cannot be taught or said and the outcomes of our free elections are all examples of the fear.

War, violence, divisions and tribal hunkering down – name calling and demonizing has become something we see every day right out in the open. In public and on display.

All of this affects us. All of this affects our congregations. As we move forward how will we be together? Where can we lay our burden down? Where does grace live? Where does a generous and grateful heart begin?

In the development of Hope for Us Conflict Engagement Team we began with some assumptions. The first assumption we had is that Unitarian Universalists are conflict avoidant. I would even say that human beings are, for the most part, conflict avoidant. We have talked about this assumption in our formation meetings, tactical meetings and with our Advisory Panel (the group that holds us accountable to liberation, equity and diversity). I am thinking now, after these discussions, I would like to amend this assumption.

Human beings are conflict avoidant until it’s too late.

We will avoid addressing the issue during the time in the conflict when the relationship is asking to go deeper and we could do the most good. We think that we might hurt someone’s feelings or be judged or that it is too much work or that it’s not the real work. We will sweep behaviors under the carpet, give people a pass when they have hurt us, justify harmful behavior and make excuses – until we are so hurt, angry, fearful, and/or overwhelmed that we are willing to demonize and destroy.

What if we were actually countercultural? What would it be like if we were simply honest and kind with one another? What if when you hurt me, I told you so and we worked it out right there – in the beginning – when our relationship is begging to go deeper? What if instead of jumping to conclusions and making up the rest of the story, I simply stayed curious? What if I asked questions that were a genuine attempt to gain a deeper understanding and not an attempt to manipulate or control the conversation? What if I let the conversation develop and didn’t come in with an agenda? What if when others, spoke I simply listened? What if I could admit that I do not have all the answers or the whole picture? What if I lived in Covenant every day, everywhere?

The foundational assumption of Hope for Us is that Covenant is at the center.

The first discipline of Unitarian Universalism is the deep and abiding practice of Covenant. As Unitarian Universalists we need to understand what the discipline of Covenant is and is not.

Covenant begins inside of us as a promise to creation to hold ourselves accountable to the values we find most worthy and wish to amplify in the world. Here is a Covenant I wrote for myself:

With hope for a bright future – I come in trust.
With love in my heart for all of creation – I come in humility.
Seeking justice for all, marginalizing none – I come in open-mindedness.
With courage – I come willing to be transformed.
With great joy – I come to bind myself to you, so that together we can do what I cannot do alone.

My Covenant is grounded in the Five Smooth Stones of Liberal Regional, an Essay by Rev. James Luther Adams. These are not his words. They are my interpretation and simplification of his words. Hope, love, justice, courage and joy are the values I wish to amplify in my life, my relationships, my communities and the world. When things are difficult this Covenant helps me to struggle back to my best self. This Covenant is aspirational – I break it and have to call myself back over and over.

Once I know what my transcendent values are and understand that I hold myself accountable to them, then and only then can I begin to make Covenant holy between myself and another. When part of a Covenantal community, we make the Covenant together. We keep it together. We break it together. We rededicate ourselves together.

A Covenantal community is where we practice Covenant, not merely so that we live that Covenant inside the walls of our religious community but so that we carry that practice, that discipline with us everywhere we go.

Part of being in a Covenantal community is promising to support the community. I pledge my support of this beloved community with this promise. Generosity and gratitude are easy when times are good and everything runs smoothly. It is in times of conflict that we find ourselves holding back, being guarded, hunkering down and building walls.

Now is the time to recommit ourselves to the deep values at the center of this spiritual discipline. Now is the time to re-Covenant with one another to work for the just and loving world. Now is the time to bind ourselves one to another so that together we can do what none of us can do alone. We need one another more than ever before. Now is the time to cultivate generosity and gratitude.

I have never been more grateful for this faith, this path and the theology and discipline of Unitarian Universalism. I have never been more grateful for the other pilgrims and the wonderful partners I have on this path. Through this time of isolation and trauma my religious community has been a solace, a balm for my wounds and my tender heart. It is the place where grace lives and a generous and grateful heart can flourish.

Connie Goodbread currently serves as the Acting Director of the Unitarian Universalist Association’s HOPE for Us Conflict Engagement Team. You can reach her here.